Loss + Light: My miscarriage story
November 2022
As many of you know, October was pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I personally never saw myself fitting into that category- who actually does?
I also didn’t think I would lose a baby in October, either.
I went to see my obgyn on October 6th for my 12 week prenatal appointment. We had just begun telling people we were expecting baby number 6. I had my first initial ultrasound earlier in September and I saw the beautiful heartbeat and healthy baby, that was actually measuring ahead. It filled me with such gratitude and joy! I was so excited about this baby. I’ve been on a journey with motherhood, as I have shared on this blog, but I have truly leaned into the joy of it. So that’s why when the test said “yes” on August 8th, I was overjoyed. To be entrusted to carry another eternal soul. What an honor. I cherished it and truly was so happy to be pregnant again. The most excited I have ever been. I was looking forward to the whole experience, even the less pleasant parts.
As soon as I got up on the table and the doctor put the ultrasound transducer on my stomach, I knew something was off. I didn’t see that thumping heart on the screen. I saw a perfect baby, just not moving. The doctor kept prodding and checking and turning up the volume, but all I heard was static. No heartbeat. I was in absolute shock. It even took me several minutes to shed a tear. I just couldn’t believe this was actually real life. How was this happening?
My husband started crying and then it hit me that the baby was actually gone. Samuel typically doesn’t go with me to prenatal checkups, except the 20 week anatomy scan. He was at this one because we just switched healthcare providers, and he wanted to meet the new doctor. God knew I needed him there. He had already gone before us that day, even though neither of us had an inkling that anything was wrong.
My baby was measuring just shy of 11 weeks gestation. Babies that size actually start looking big on the screen. You can see their head, arms, and feet. The image of that baby laying still on the monitor plays over and over in my mind. That pain is so deep, it’s difficult to describe. I had experienced what they call a “missed miscarriage”, because I had no symptoms or signs of problems. And with that, the shock of this experience took me a few days to overcome. Just not believing it was actually happening.
That sad day was Thursday. The next morning, Friday, October 7th, I went in for a D & C procedure to remove my baby from my uterus. I had lost a child. To know he or she was no longer inside of me. Gone. Empty. As I sat alone in the pre-op room in the surgery center, I cried. I told God I didn’t understand why this happened, and I was hurting. I truly did feel peace as I walked into the operating room. The doctor and nurses were so kind, that helped so much. I was so thankful that I didn’t have to wait all weekend to get in for the surgery, or start hemorrhaging and bleeding at home. God had His hand on the whole thing.
We opted to do genetic testing on the baby to find out the gender. We wanted to be able to remember them as a little brother or sister. I won’t have those results for a few weeks still. I have a feeling that will bring some fresh grief with it too.
When I look at that ultrasound photo from my first appointment, I don’t just see a little baby the size of a cherry. I see a little boy or girl who would grow up, to be like their older siblings. All my kids started out as a little bundle on a screen. But now they live, talk and play. They are in my everyday life.
And the fact that I will never be able to know that child in this life- that thought stops me in my tracks and brings some of the deepest pain I’ve ever known. This side of heaven I won’t ever know them. I’ll never get to take them home from the hospital, nurse them in the middle of the night, cuddle and kiss them. I won’t get to teach them how to walk, how to run and play, how to color or read. I won’t get to do those things. And my heart absolutely breaks at the thought of it. I can’t even think about it without breaking down.
As I am writing this part of the blog, I am 10 days into this grieving journey. I have felt a huge array of emotions and thoughts. But one comforting one that keeps coming to me is that I have hope. As a believer in Jesus Christ, I don’t grieve like there is no hope. I am sad and disappointed that our baby will never live here with us on earth. And I grieve that loss with all my heart. It’s such a healthy thing to grieve. But thankfully, death isn’t the end of the story.
“We do not want you to be uninformed brothers and sisters, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope. For if we believed that Jesus died and rose again, in the same way, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the archangel’s voice, and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are still alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words.”- 1 Thess. 4:13-18
Encouraging Songs to me during this time:
“Sound Mind” (Bryan & Katie Torwalt) (this song was actually released on the day of my D & C, and I felt as if God did that just for me)
“The Light in You” (Bethel Music & We the Kingdom)
“You’re Gonna Be Ok”(Bethel Music & Jenn Johnson)
“You Came (Lazarus)” (Bethel Music)
“Dancing on the Waves” (Bethel Music)
“How Beautiful” (Mosaic MSC)
“You are mine” (Mosaic MSC)
Helpful books:
Held by Abbey Wedgeworth
Gospel Hope in Pregnancy and Infant Loss by Daily Grace Co.
Both of the above books have ministered to me more than I can say. They answer the questions that you never thought you would have, but now do. They talk about everything you’re feeling and going through and put it to words, but also bring you comfort through the Word of God. Honestly, people’s words can be comforting, but nothing has brought me comfort like God’s Word. It has captured me. I have found verses I never knew existed. It is alive. Friends, Jesus created you and knows every detail of your heart. You can’t scare him off. He’s ready for anything you got.
I love these quotes from the Held book. “Yet true peace is found not on the other side of suffering, but in the One who is by our side through it. Purpose, comfort, and rest are not discovered upon being through with suffering, but in being brought through it.”
“You may long to feel strong, capable, and unencumbered by sadness after your miscarriage- you may want to be out of the season and on to another- but the value of suffering is discovered in the midst of it as well as after it, for it is while we are walking through it that our frailty and weakness can convince us of our need for God’s power and sufficiency.”
We see in Psalm 23, David stops walking through trouble to pause and feast in the midst of it.
“You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”- Psalm 23:5-6
An excerpt from my journal on 10/18:
“I have longed to be on the other side of suffering. I think I’ve wanted it just to be over, so I can be normal again. But there’s a journey to it- that can’t be rushed. I do feel a lot stronger than I did at first, but I still have pain, confusion and I am heart sick.”
Friend, He knows the longing of your heart. He knows your pain, even more than you can articulate. If you have walked through loss and pain, please know that He has too.
We have a hope in Jesus Christ. When He died on that cross, he was taking all the sin and shame so that we can be reunited with our babies in Heaven one day. Oh what a glorious day that will be, with so many reunions. I have many friends who have suffered immeasurable loss. Losing your baby is like losing part of yourself. To experience the pain of carrying death inside of you- it is hard to wrap your mind around. It wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. Living in a fallen world where there is depravity, we will experience difficult things while we are here. But it is only for a moment.
“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.”- 2 Cor. 4:17
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted ; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”- Ps. 34:18
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”- Ps. 56:8
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”- Rev. 21:4
“I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word.”- Ps. 119:28
“The Lord cares deeply when his loved ones die.”- Ps. 116:15
“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.”- Is. 43:2
“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.”- Ps. 126:5
”So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”- John 16:22
“Truly He is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.”- Ps. 62:2
As I have been journaling and processing this experience, I have found an intimacy and closeness with Jesus that I have never had before. I need him so desperately. I run to Him with all my pain, fear, and doubts. He has comforted me with His Word and His peace. He has been so so good to me. He has worked through people in my life to love and encourage me. The kindness of my family and friends has been so wonderfully overwhelming. I had so many cards lining my windowsill and flowers that filled my home, and sweet gifts that remind me that I have people who care. It has really been a comfort.
A few days following the surgery, I went throughout my house to gather up little pregnancy items. Painful reminders. Vitamins, books, maternity clothes, lotion, prayer cards- anything I had brought out that had to do with my pregnancy- it hurt to see them lying around. Reminding me I am no longer pregnant. And no longer going to have a new baby. Oh, how can I miss someone so much, that I have never met?
It’s hard to explain this- but when you think of yourself as pregnant for 3 months, and then suddenly, you’re not, that affects you. The little bump disappears, you go back to your “normal” pre-pregnancy self. And to some people, they will never know. They’ll never know about that baby or the pain.
We had taken family photos late in September, and along with that, some pregnancy announcement shots (pictured above). At the time, we had no idea that we would lose the baby. That sweet child won’t be at any family Christmas gatherings, birthday parties or times at the pumpkin patch. They’ll never get to experience life on this earth. But are they gone forever? No. They just are ahead of us, waiting in Heaven. Avoiding this sinful earth, they are whole and perfect in Heaven with our Father God. That thought gets me through this horrible experience. That child is not truly gone. April 18th will probably always bring some pain with it. The day our baby was due to come into this world- but no longer.
If you have ever experienced a miscarriage, I want to personally say how sorry I am. It is unthinkable. It is heartbreaking. No one loves your baby more than you do, except God. The one who created them. He has your baby in His hands. And He holds you, too, Mama. He cries with you, and sees every tear you cry.
If you know someone who has experienced the loss of a baby, pray for them. Send them an encouraging text or a song. It means more than you could ever know. Acknowledging the life that was lost means that you thought their little life was important and valuable. Don’t worry about bringing it up and making them sad, trust me- they already are thinking about it. It’s comforting to know that you haven’t forgotten. That mama will never forget.