{Marriage} Insights: Submission, Leading & Influence
May 2022
Welcome back, friends!
And yes, you read that right! I am digging into a few hot topics regarding marriage. I recently read a book that really impacted me for the better. The Four Laws of Love by Jimmy Evans is a powerful read that’s loaded with relational wisdom and tools.
I’m excited to share just a few things that really helped me in my marriage.
Submission:
Depending on your background, this word could potentially carry some negative connotations, and maybe you just cringed a little. We may envision women being treated as doormats, men doing whatever they want, and the wife just having to go along with it. It definitely has been abused.
We have to go back to the Word of God, and not culture, for our definition and picture of submission. I recently saw it in a completely new light.
Ephesians 5 models what our marriage relationships are to look like:
Vs 21: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
Vs 22: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.”
Vs 23: “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”
Vs 24: “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
I want to highlight verse 21, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. Even before talking about women submitting to their husbands, the Word starts by talking about how we are to mutually submit to each other. How interesting, because Biblically it means that one person isn’t “above” the other. The husband and wife are equals, both submitting themselves, their wills and desires to God first, before anyone else.
Even though it’s common and normal for husbands and wives to disagree on issues at times, it doesn’t mean that we have to live on different teams. Ideally, it shouldn’t be the husband’s will against the wife’s will or vice verse. Both parties submitting themselves to Christ first, and then each other, is where a healthy relationship begins. The Bible says that we are “one” with our spouse.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”- Gen. 2:24
On page 68 in The Four Laws of Love, Jimmy clearly explains it this way: “God’s plan for marriage isn’t a subservient woman being ruled by a domineering man. That is ridiculous. God’s plan for marriage is two humble-hearted, servant-spirited people who are both submitted to God and each other, loving each other as equals.”
Start with you. When you do your part in the marriage, God honors that and will begin to work in your relationship. You can only control you! As women, we first submit to God, then our husband, but it’s ultimately out of complete submission to God.
Leading:
We are completely equal with men in Christ. And God in his kindness, has created a leadership structure to help us flourish. As women, two of our needs are security and leadership. I think we can all examine our hearts and see that. Our husbands are the Biblical “head” of our homes, our “covering”. They are placed there by God to lead us, by first following God.
“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church.”- Eph. 5:23
If you marry a Godly man, chances are they want to make you, the wife, happy. It’s a genuine desire on their part. As a wife, I know I have to try to handle that delicately. I don’t want my desires to supersede the will of God for my life. I don’t want to get in the way.
There have been times in my marriage where I felt very strongly we were to do/not do something, and my husband felt like we were supposed to go a different direction. It actually happens often! In those moments, I have a choice to make. I can either force my way by using manipulation, or trust that God is leading my husband. I think every woman reading this knows what I mean by manipulation. We know just what emotion or response will push our husbands to make a certain decision, because we do carry influence.
I always try to bring it back to this:
“I want what God wants above what I want.”
I can state my “case” to my husband, make him aware of my opinion in a respectful way, but then I have to release it. My typical line is “this is what I think, but I know you’ll be led by God to make the right decision for us.” This enables him to lead, with the appropriate pressure on him of first following God’s voice. Keep in mind, that husbands aren’t perfect. (Duh!) There will be times when they aren’t hearing correctly or are led by their own desires. They won’t get it right 100 percent of the time. When I feel this may be the case, I remind myself that I will still be blessed when I honor and submit to his leading. God sees me and will honor my heart of obedience and submission.
And then, whatever decision he makes, I will get on board with a joyful attitude.
You see, I would never want my husband to make a decision based on my happiness alone. I want him to be sure it’s what God has. I look back at times in our life, and I am SO glad we didn’t do what I had originally wanted. I am so proud that my husband had the courage to lead me in those situations. We, as women, need to foster that in our husbands.
This brings up a good question. Are you trusting in your husband for security and love? Or do you put that first in God? My friends, you will always feel insecure if you put it first in your man. He is a human. You can rest assured, when you put your complete trust in Jesus first, you will be secure. He will protect you. He sees your heart and honors that. I remind myself of this truth when I am not agreeing with my husband, because I have to remember where I am putting my trust and hope.
As I was reading this book, I learned something brand new about us women as a whole.
Page 76 says: “Ephesians 5 directs wives to submit to their husbands as they would Christ Himself and not to act without their blessings. The purpose of this isn’t to demote women to an inferior position in the relationship. It is to neutralize their sin natures of relational independence and to keep it from damaging their marriage relationships.”
As women, from the beginning of time, our sin nature has been relational independence. When the serpent was tempting Eve to eat the fruit in the Garden of Eden, he accused God and lied about the consequences of sin, and she never asked Adam about it, who was with her. She ate the fruit and then handed him some. She didn’t consult God or Adam, and acted completely on her own.
So we don’t have to wonder why our tendency as women is to become stubborn and defiant, and why we naturally want to refuse input from our husbands or God concerning issues in our lives. It’s the very nature of our sin. This really was eye opening for me to recognize for myself! I had never thought about it in that way, and it’s brought a lot of clarity.
If we refuse to live out our role as outlined in Ephesians 5, it just means we are letting our sin nature control us in that moment. I know, it hurts to hear, right? But the good news is that we can learn to recognize this and rise above it by humbling our hearts before Jesus, and then to our men, out of reverence to God. Seeing this parallel has truly helped me to function better in my marriage!
Influence:
I referenced earlier that we have influence on our husbands. It’s such an amazing thing that God set up. We have such power in our words, our demeanor, and attitudes. I don’t think I quite realized the depth of it before!
I love this line from The Four Laws of Love book: “But the way in which a wife speaks to her husband will decide if she has any influence with him and whether or not she will motivate positive behavior in him.”
Wowza. I think we first have to recognize this in our marriage. Then, we have to decide how we will carry it out.
Men are built or torn down by our words. You can change his whole outlook on his day by a simple statement.
For me, I know that when Samuel walks in the door, I have the ability to encourage him with a few simple words. But yet, a lot of times, I don’t take that opportunity. I don’t steward it like I should
The last couple years, I’ve discovered something about mistakes and my influence. When my husband comes to me and explains a mistake he made, I have such power in that moment. How I react will either shame him and send him running, or will open up the door to more conversation, intimacy, and forgiveness. Even if I am disappointed with him in that moment, I can choose to use wholesome words that bring life and healing. Oh the influence we carry.
I haven’t always been aware of this, and it has hurt my marriage. I can shape my man by my words and actions.
Here’s another great quote from page 72 of the book: “...a good wife is a good cheerleader and provides him with the positive environment of respect he needs. Men flourish in an atmosphere of praise, encouragement, and positive support.”
Be encouraged, girls. You are equipped by God to love your husband in a way that only you can. God picked you for him! Partner with Jesus, submit your heart to Him, build security and trust in Him, and then allow your husband to lead.
Walk out your influence with confidence, knowing that your place in your marriage is sacred, important and vital!
