April 2022

You know the feeling. You set the phone down after reading the text and you’re bothered. Immediately you feel the disappointment well up. 

“Why couldn’t she just say something encouraging?” You had sent a thoughtful message, and the response wasn’t what you hoped for. Not what you expected. You had expected a little warmer conversation, but instead it was a one word response. Feeling defeated, you keep going about your day. Only now with a weight on your shoulders. And nagging questions, “why am I always the one reaching out, but not getting anything in return? I feel like I have gone out of my way in this friendship with nothing to show for it.”

Friend, that scenario has been me countless times.

I have lived with disappointment and frustration repeatedly in my relationships. For the longest time, I thought it was an issue with the other person. If people didn’t do or say what I thought they should, I would be bummed out. If they missed an important day, forgot to reply to me, or didn’t check in on my kids, I would go around sad and mentally distraught. I would suffer in my own self pity and hit a dead end.

Over time, God has stirred my heart regarding this. I came to the realization that I was approaching my relationships incorrectly. I was expecting things from people and no one was living up to my standard. (And believe me, I had a standard)

Like many people, I desired affirmation and I wanted to be included in community. I longed to feel loved and seen, and for others to know what I was going through. But my unmet expectations had me caught in a vicious cycle.

“I longed to feel loved and seen.”

Let me ask you this. If you expect a gift from someone, and they don’t deliver, does it make you upset? Or if you assume they should say something encouraging but they are silent, does your heart sink? You probably have unmet expectations.

If you’re anything like me, you have zapped the joy from your relationships, without even realizing it! Maybe you’ve spent more time thinking of what they weren’t doing for you, instead of enjoying what they did for you. This is a hard reality.

One day, when I was sitting with my journal, I felt that God spoke this to my heart. He told me that He had placed those desires in me on purpose, and that they were only meant to be filled by Him. Other relationships couldn’t ever take His place. My desires force me to go back to Him, as my source. I realized that I had been going about it all wrong.

“I was going to others first, before Him, to get those desires met.”

God is so good, because not only did He bring this to my attention, but He provided me with a way to change. 

I had to learn to think of my relationships differently. I had to see them as they were- imperfect. They couldn’t fill my deep need for love, affirmation, and acceptance alone. They were there only to enhance my life, not fill it.

It was only after I accepted this, I found true joy in my relationships. I enjoy people most when I choose to appreciate them. Anytime I’m sucked back into frustration, I know I have crossed the line from desire to expectation. It’s not wrong to desire gifts or encouragement, but when we let our expectations control our response, we know we need to adjust.

We have to look to God for our deepest needs and satisfaction first, and then walk that out in our relationships.  

“And my God will supply all of your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”- Phil. 4:19

Practically, how does this play out?

We all have a set amount of time and energy in our days.

As a mama of 5 little kids, 6 and under, my time feels tight and the energy limited. I decided to put what little time and energy I did have into being thankful. To resist the urge to be bothered by that text response. To think of the things I love about the person, and to give my unmet expectations to God. 

Friend, I say this from experience: it works. I have never been happier. I unlocked a joy in my life that is unexplainable. It hasn’t been an overnight change. Little by little.

“I unlocked a joy in my life that is unexplainable.”

Here’s a few practical steps to put your energy in the right places:

•   Get to know God- spend time praying and finding out things about God. Learn His attributes, character, and displays of love.

•   Dwell in His Word- let his encouragement fill your mind. Take a portion of Scripture that speaks to your situation and memorize it.

•   Be filled with His love- We can’t give something we don’t have. To give it out, we have to be filled. Sit in His presence, spend time thanking Him for what He has done for you.

•   Walk out His love- Start truly loving others, without the focus on yourself. Send the encouraging text, remember their special day, pick out a thoughtful gift. This is what Jesus would do. Let it come from a place of being loved by God. Without expecting anything in return, no strings attached. Nothing we ever do with that heart is wasted. God is our rewarder. 

“To be the friend that God wants me to be, I have to get my desires met through Christ. It’s only then I can truly love another person.”

 I believe that we as women have a gift for relationships. We love making connections and developing friendships with people. It’s a beautiful thing when it’s done out of a full heart. But when we love people looking for how they can love us back, it no longer serves the purpose. It has turned selfish. I want to encourage you to look deep inside at your heart motives. And many times, our inner reaction after something happens tells us where we are at.

Bring your desires to your Father. He is waiting for you with everything you truly need.

There is relational richness and joy when we walk this out!